Dictionary for the White and Clueless

• Beef - unresolved issues (The Young Melph Mafia and the Blood Hound Gang have beef)
• Black – the darkest skin color (My students use this term to describe African Americans with skin that is so dark, it’s almost black. It may also be a term of pride because it suggests that there has been no white ancestry. Seal is probably the celebrity with the closest skin color, but it’s actually even darker.
• Blow – to bother someone or yell at someone (ex: Ms. Kuhne be blowin’. She been yellin’ at us and workin’ us all day.)
• Bricks – the projects (Not to be confused with “a Brick” which would be a measurement of unsold drugs)
• Brown – a skin color slightly lighter than “Black” (P. Diddy is brown)
• Brownstones – the projects
• Coolin’ – someone who is calm, unbothered, and laid back (I had some purp’ this morning. I be coolin’. I ain’t trippin’.)
• Cherry – cigar
• Click out – go crazy; become violent (Ima click out!)
• Clique - gang
• Cookie bush – little afro
• Cold - heartless (That Ms. Kuhne be cold-cold when her nerves be bad.)
• Dawg – someone who dates and flirts with multiple people but is not monogamous; a friend
• Down bad – someone who has done something to hurt or make things difficult for another person (Ms. Kuhne, you be down bad for giving us so much work!)
• Duck ass – stupid
• Flightin’ – high on marijuana (I be flightin’. Don’t blow my high.)
• Flipper – a girl who sleeps with many men (Paris Hilton’s a flipper.)
• Fly - cool (this should be obvious, but you never know)
• Gucci – good (I’m Gucci.)
• Hit - ugly (as in hideous? ex: That outfit be hit. You dress like yo' grandma.)
• Hood – an African American neighborhood; not the projects; not necessarily poor and/or violent
• Joe – cigarette (I got a pocket of Joes.)
• Jump – when a group of people or just one person attack another person (He got jumped at his bus stop. He didn’t even see it coming.)
• Lean – Cough Syrup (because it makes you “lean”)
• Lining - the crisp hair line created by a close shave and a razor
• Lurkin’ – loitering; hanging around; looking suspicious
• Messy - an adjective used to describe someone who gossips and/or stirs up rumors and fights
• Nerves be bad – irritated; impatient; stressed out (Ms. Kuhne, you’re making my nerves bad! Stop talking!)
• Old Lady – a girlfriend that you claim some sort of loyalty to; could be a wife
• Old Man – a boyfriend that you claim some sort of loyalty to; could be a husband
• Player – someone who flirts and dates but never settles down
• Poppin’ – loud, noisy and active environments (Ms. Kuhne’s 4^th block be poppin’ today!)
• Put on blast - to talk about other people's business loudly in front of others. (Man, Ms. Kuhne, why you gotta put me on blast like that?)
• Punk – gay male
• Purp’ - marijuana
• Red – a skin color lighter than “Brown” but darker than “yellow”; almost a golden color (Rihanna and Lil Wayne are red.)
• Rollin’ deep – traveling with a large number of people (We’re rollin’ deep in Ms. Kuhne’s class today. There are 18 of us!)
• Scary – someone who is scared of someone or something (Scary ass don’t even know who hit him!)
• Serenity – incense that is both legal and used as a drug much like marijuana
• Snow - crack
• Swagga – style; confidence; the way someone walks and talks
• Tracks – a strip of hair that can be glued to the scalp
• Trade – boyfriend; the boy you are currently interested in
• Trifflin’ – dirty
• Trippin’ – someone who is giving someone else a hard time; someone who is wrong; someone who is becoming agressive
• Twisteses - little nubby dreads; starter dreads
• Yurt - marijuana
• Weave – see Tracks
• Wiggaz - pills
• Wrong for that – someone who made a mistake that caused someone hurt or extra work (Ms. Kuhne you were wrong for that test.)
• Yellow – the lightest skin color (Mariah Carey and Vin Diesel are yellow.)
• Zank – sink (Put it in the zank!)

Risky Business

I bought these little rawhide cigarillos, and Oscar has one hanging out of his mouth. It's been stuck there unmoving for so long that I went over to see if it was stuck in his teeth. Nope. At first he wouldn't let me pull it out, and then when he did, I realized that the thing was still whole. He looks a bit like an old silver screen actor, puffing with no hands. He's a classy man. No feverish chewing and hoarding. He's calm and collected, just having a little smoke break.

I spent the day cleaning about the house and getting rid of unwanted items, and I posted the following ads on craigslist:

School and Office Supplies

For those of you still fighting the good fight, I have four or five boxes of notebooks, books, binders, and school/office supplies. The notebooks are untagged and in good condition. The binders are assorted and ward sign free. The books include penguin classics and GEE test prep. Come get it, quick!

Kitchen Essentials

I've got a set of Pfaltzgraff Dinnerware, and I'll give you all of it. Come get it, quick!

Pantry Foodstuffs

For all you enterprising craigslisters: I've got a box of sugar, flour, cornmeal, etc. It's sitting on the front stoop, and it's first come, first serve.

Within two hours, I had fourteen calls and everything was gone. Do these people have craigslist text them as soon as something free goes up? I had no idea that there are so many people trolling the free section of craigslist on any given Wednesday at 11 o'clock in the morning. There was Maudette, grandmother of three from Metairie, who called and offered to take it all: "You are the author of all three postings, aren't you?" she said. Then, Crystal and her boyfriend who was the spitting image of Sean White, called and requested the school supplies for a summer camp running out of the Iberville project. CeCe called for the penguin classics. She's a tutor and oh-so-sad to hear that I'll be leaving the Recovery School District. "But don't you like working with at-risk youth?" she said. "My students were a little beyond 'at-risk,'" I said. "They were more risky."

Mandy has asked for more about New Orleans, and I have a little plan cooked up: tomorrow I'm going to ride about the city and make a photo journal to blog about. What else would you like to hear about? I might have enough distance to write about my students. I could do school stories or city stories... Give me a prompt, and I'll give you a blog! (That has more substance than this one, or at least a main idea.)

Money, Money, Money

Expenditures to Date:

• Great Britain Lonely Planet: $12.09 (with Borders Coupon)
• Nepal Lonely Planet: $29.99
• India Lonely Planet: $29.99
• Spain Lonely Planet: $16.49
• Trek Nepal Lonely Planet: $23.92
• Cycle Britain Lonely Planet: $23.92
• 2 Round Trip Tickets from Minneapolis to London: $2,774.00
• 2 One Way Tickets from London to Dublin: $170.66
• 2 One Way Tickets from Dublin to Seville: $364.35
• 2 One Way Tickets from Alicante to London: $170.26
• Membership to Camping and Caravaning Club (Britain): $68.34
• Passport Photos: $24.17
• FedEx Overnight Shipping for India Visa: $28.85
• Consular and Service Fees for Regular Visa Processing: $278.60
• Travel Insurance for 2: $780.00
• REI Gear (This includes a Rain Jacket, Hiking Boots, Bicycle Shoes and Pedals, and Bicycle Shorts for Joshua, as well as a Biking Jersey for me. For the two of us, we purchased Saddle Packs, a Cyclometer, and Lights.): $226.51 (with $50 dollar Gift Certificate)

TOTAL: $5,022.14


Predicted Expenditures:

• Lonely Planet estimates an approximate 50 euros per day in Western Europe. This equals $118.86 for 2 people per day. Because Joshua and I plan to stay in Western Europe for 3 months, the estimate comes to $10,697.40.
• Again, Lonely Planet estimates an approximate $30.00 dollars for two people per day in India and Nepal. For three months, the estimate for two people is $2,700.00.
• We have yet to purchase our round trip plane tickets from London to Delhi. We estimate that this will cost us $1,300.
• We also have not purchased our one way plane tickets from Delhi to Leh. We estimate that this will cost us $500.
• Once we arrive in Nepal, we will be required to purchase Visas and passes for the Annapurna. This will cost $180.

TOTAL: $15,377.40

We plan to slim down our costs by camping, bicycling, and staying with family while we are in Britain, and while we are in India and Nepal, costs will decrease while we are trekking and camping. For now, the generous estimate for a 6 month trip for 2 to England, Ireland, Spain, Scotland, India, Nepal, and possibly France is $20,399.54.

Although this may look like a perfectly good down payment on a house, or perhaps a really nice car, or maybe even a good chunk of our student loans, I think it's actually quite reasonable. During the past year, my cost of living was very comparable to - if not more than - $10,200 every six months, and while I feel the pull and good sense to consider buying a home or paying off our student debt, it's time to have some fun.

That said, Joshua and I are in a great position, and I would never want to gloss over our privilege and luck. We already have quite a bit of gear for camping, traveling and recreation (namely, a tent, sleeping bags and pads, backpacks, outdoor wear, bicycles, paniers, and a camera), and over the past two years, we've been able to save a great deal of money. We have no kids and no mortgage. With our budget, we've managed to pay for a wedding, go to Greece for a month-long honeymoon, and plan a 6 month, multi-county trip. Clearly, two years of teaching were good to us financially, if not emotionally :)

Everyone makes different choices. For some, the financial cost is too much or other things are more important. I've met plenty of people who are ultimately disinterested in traveling, and prefer to stay among friends and family in the security of what is known, sure, and comfortable. I get that. I'm sure in the months to come you will hear about the wear and tear that comes from the many unknowns, uncertainties, and discomforts of traveling. Inevitably, Joshua will get spectacularly sick, I will probably shit myself in some horribly public scenario, and the two of us will get absolutely fed up with the choking smell of pollution. I'm sure that I will vomit multiple times while on bus rides with poor ventilation and even worse suspension. I'm also sure that Joshua will start to crave cheeseburgers, pizza, and onion rings. We will want nothing more than to spend just one night in our bed with our sheets and pillows. We'll want to watch a movie. We'll want to see a familiar face.

All these are true; they've happened before (plus an absolutely nightmarish sunburn). But for us, it's worth it. For me, it's living the story and then telling it to you. It's a challenge, and it's constantly new, and I'm curious about both: can I do it? What's it like? For Joshua, it's the adventure and the sights. It's like a 6 month orienteering course or maybe Planet Earth live. And, of course, we love doing all of it together. People ask us if we ever get sick of each other's company, and the answer is no. This is not to say that I don't get snarky and he doesn't get crabby; we do. But the truth is, even when Joshua's on my last nerve, I'd still rather be with him doing what we're doing, than anywhere else in the world. He's my partner in crime, love, and home. He's my best friend.

God and Canyoneering

Between Chaminox and Martigny, John Robert Cozens, 1776

Jeff came over for dinner last night and selected the first Arty Calling Card. After flipping through the stack, it came down to Anselm Kiefer and John Cozens, but it was no contest: for a man who's about to explore the Pacific Northwest for 80 days on a NOLS course, what image could be better?

So the tradition - if I can keep up with it - is this: a snapshot of the location and exchange for each Arty Calling Card and a brief characterization of the recipient.

Location: The Kithchen. Our home on St. Claude in New Orleans, Louisiana.

Exchange: It's our last week living in New Orleans, and Joshua and I are saying goodbye. Jeff came over to an embarrassingly meager and humble plate of rice and vegetables, and we talked about the next six months, God, and canyoneering. Then we ate vanilla bean ice cream and apple pie from Whole Foods.

Characterization: Joshua purchased Jeff a hatchet for his birthday. Jeff purchased Joshua a hot wheels toy car. After our wedding, Jeff was among a group of our New Orleans friends that went camping with us on the North Shore in Minnesota. There, Jeff and Joshua tried to push down rotted birch trees while bellowing like apes. On the same trip, Jeff and I decided it would be a good idea to jump into Lake Superior. This was not, in fact, a good idea, and as Jeff scrambled to shore, he sliced his knee open and began spurting blood. His legs are so hairy, I had to shave them in order to get the bandaid to stick. Jeff has an app on his iPhone that charts his sleeping cycle, and he reads epic historical memoirs every night before he goes to bed. He promises to be a founding member of our non-creepy, mainstream but really left wing, off the grid, educationally ept, and highly functioning but totally fun intentional community commune. Jeff loves dogs. We love Jeff.

Bougie-Boho: Packrat Extraordinaire

Just in case you had any illusions about my supposedly carefree and rootless existence, let me disavow those rumors now: my husband and I are packrats. It's true; although we somehow managed to move our lives cross-country in nothing but a little red Hyundai two years ago, we have since then managed to saddle ourselves with an astounding amount of baggage.

It began with a whisper: I packed the bookshelves and managed to fill a dozen Boise paper boxes and 6 milk crates with just books. In this matter, we have Joshua to blame. I used to be much thriftier when it came to my reading material. Sure, I spent an ungodly amount in library fines because I'm totally irresponsible and the thought of acruing overdue fines actually works like a sedative rather than an impetus for strange breeds like me, but not even my very special 3-digit fines can compare with the decadence I've allowed myself when it comes to Borders and new books. Josh made me. Something about the smell of new books and the secret pride of watching your literary collection grow and expand... It's intoxicating and shamelessly bougeoisie.

It escalated with my wardrobe. The not-so-secret truth is this: I am absolutely and totally addicted to thrift stores. My pulse quickens when I see the blue and white half smiley face of a Goodwill sign; I know every second-hand shop within a 30 mile radius, and I can give you the best routes from one to another; I know which days of the week mark different color tags 50 percent off, and I know which stores have the best selection of which items. I am guru, yogi, connosieur, and savant of the New Orleans second-hand kingdom. I know thrift.

I have 300 gallons of clothing to prove it. Just in case you're wondering, gallons are the correct unit of measurement when it comes to thrift store clothing, and my particular collection fills ten 30 gallon trash bags. I might have the good sense to be embarrassed by my excess, but I feel a sort of willful pride when it comes to my recycled finds. The tradition began when I was young: while my classmates wandered off to J.C. Penney and Target for their back-to-school purchases, my mothers and I would troll the isles of Savers, Goodwill, Redlight, and One More Time. When we got home, I would model my selections with the price tags still stapled to the collar or waistband. The lower the price, the louder the applause.

As I grew older, my skills became more refined. I learned how to flip through racks at high speeds while also paying close attention fabric quality, cut, and pattern; I began to consider myself a vintage size 6 or 8, rather than the more modern size 2 or 3; and I became more selective: I held out for one-of-kind finds rather than seductive name-brand deals. Now, among my many finds are some favorites: a pair of wide-leg sailor pants that cinch becomingly just above the navel, a selection of empire-wasted sundresses that would make even Joni Mitchell blush with envy, vintage skirts with patterns from poodles to poppies, 80s workout wear, and most recently, a skull and crossbones T-shirt. The fact that they were all under 10 dollars and most were under five fills me with a fierce and self-righteous pride. Joshua, of course, is appalled enough for both of us. My thriftiness in all other things (namely, anything new), was somewhat misleading, and it came as a bit of a shock that someone as tight-fisted as myself could accumulate such a wealth of choices. Fortunately, his initial surprise and perhaps dismay has since faded, and he now views my addiction as a much more affordable form of retail therapy. I even pick him up an occasional button-up or polar fleece.

Our other packing hazard is borne of the same addiction. While I admire the spartan interiors of classier wives and maidens, understated elegance evades me. Sarah's home decor might well land her in classy magazines like Dwell and Better Homes, but I belong on the last page in the DOS and DON'TS. The adjectives eclectic, bohemian, and eccentric are meant to flatter those with my tastes, but don't be deceived: hodge-podge and higgeldy-piggedly work just the same. And although I love our colorfully mismatched abode, breaking down and packing up our veritable museum of thrift is quite a task. We'll be lucky to fit in a 16 foot trailer.

The Fable of My Irresponsibility, Arty Calling Cards, Butt Taps, and Francophilia

Since you asked, no. That is not that. The saga does continue, and I can't help but feel that I have, in part, brought all this trouble upon myself. With all this hippy-dippy nay saying, I forgot to mention that I am absolutely atrocious when it comes to the responsibilities of the adult world. It's hugely embarrassing, but the paperwork I've neglected - namely, changing my last name, securing my social security card, keeping track of my birth certificate, replacing my lost drivers license, and paying the bills - is now starting to rear its ugly head.

When you pair the disregard I pay to all things that verify my legal identity and the Indian consulates somewhat - er - rigid requirements, I'm afraid we are in a pickle indeed. Let's see. From where we left off...

Well, Amanda did not have my birth certificate as it turned out, but thankfully, Mom did. A scan of the very officious document now sits in my inbox. So: birth certificates, check.

I called Joshua yesterday with another concern. While I was filling out the application for the visa, I began to realize that our proof of residence might not actually be as easy as I had initially thought. Although our plans had been to go to the Chicago Travisa Outsourcing office, if I filled out the application with Louisiana as our temporary or permanent residence, the form then led me to the Houston Travisa Outsourcing office for an appointment. This, of course, set off a few warning bells. I tried calling every Travisa Outsourcing office in the country, but they were either disconnected or did not pick up.

Naturally, as soon as Joshua came home, he picked up the phone and was immediately connected to Sally from Travisa Outsourcing in Chicago. Yes, in fact, it does matter. If you are a resident of Louisiana, then you must go through the office in Houston. Residency is determined by one of three documents: a drivers' license, a state ID, or a utility bill with your name and address. Oh, you say that your wife has neither a drivers' license nor a state ID and her name is not on the utility bill because she's never wrote a check for the water and electricity she uses and enjoys every day of her life? Well, I'm afraid that India will reject her application for visa on principle.

Shit. Shit, and more shit. So there's good news and bad news: once upon a time I did have a drivers' license (and yes, I disregard the law every time I sit behind the wheel of a car), and it was a Minnesotan drivers' license. The very nice lady at Travisa Outsourcing in Chicago said that she thinks that the temporary documentation that is given to you when you're replacing a drivers' license will suffice, but she's not sure.

The next day - today - I called Kathy, operator number 64, with the Minnesota Department of Motor Vehicles. She was very helpful, but I think she may have been put off by my melodrama. She put the paperwork I will need to fill out to request a replacement in the mail. I fill out a sheet of paper with a carbon copy. The carbon copy is my temporary license. Kathy, I said, is there any way that we can make this a bit more official? Well, she said, we can fax a document that says you are, in fact, in the database, and you have, in fact, been in the database for quite some time. Yes, I said, but Kathy, I said, does that document have my name and address on it? Well it can if you want it to, she says. I think she's starting to suspect that I've gotten myself into serious trouble. I explain that I need to prove residency in order to secure a visa to India. She seems somewhat skeptical, but nevertheless reassures me that this fax can and will be sent.

Ok. So problem is sort of solved. We're still planning on our sojourn to Chicago. Keep your fingers crossed that my carbon copy and fax are sufficient. For now, my heart rate is permanently elevated.

In other news... Sarah was attacked by a horrid swarm of fire ants and her foot looks like the victim of some strange disease that you should only be able to contract in the depths of the Amazonian Rain Forest. We watched Mad Men while she soaked her foot and fought off the stupor of Benadryl.

I've barely packed. The house, apart from my dresser and the bookshelf, looks completely and totally lived in. We look like we could be staying for years. As I said, my heart rate is permanently elevated.

In the face of these mounting responsibilities, I set aside a good chunk of time to make my very own business cards. They're hand-made, and I think they're quite cute. I found a little art pocket book at a thrift store, and I've been cutting out the images, gluing them to construction paper, and then handwriting the title, name of artist, and my name and the address of this blog on the back. I plan to pass them out while we travel to whomever. It's actually been very nostalgic. The art book was A to Z, and it had only the most epic artists and artworks. It reminded me of all my favorites: Egon Schiele with his twisted, inky lines, Wyeth and his romantic, melancholy countryside, Eva Hesse's ethereal installations, Louise's feet, O'Keefe's flowers, Reubenstein and Cornell's shadow boxes, crazy collages... Diebenkorn, Mondrian, Rosetti, Klimt, Canova, Rodin, Bacon, and Modigliani. I spent hours cutting them out and gluing them to a rusty red construction paper. Friedrich, Toussaint, Ingres, Delacroix, and Munch. Frida, Frankenthaler, and Mucha. I love those artists. I miss sitting in Art History, watching those slides and listening to Professor Williams tell stories about artists and color and composition. I can't think of a better calling card than a little piece of their artwork :)

Went to the gym and sweat through ABT (or, Abs, Butt, and Thighs, but I think that sounds semi-pornographic. To be perfectly honest, I think we all look semi-pornographic while we're doing squat after squat and all those "butt taps."). Joe, the teacher, is positively vindictive, but I love it. I've been going for four months now, but I still can't do the whole thing. For one hour every Monday and Thursday, Joe makes us do tempo jumping jacks for five minutes, over 400 squats, 4 minutes of butt taps (holding a squat while moving your ass ever so elegantly up and down about 4 inches to a beat: pulse, pulse, pulse), hop-hop-squats for 4 minutes, 200 lunges, and then an assortment of either 400 deadlifts with weights or tortuous leg lifts while you're on all fours. For the last five minutes, we burn out on push ups. Most people just lay on their backs moaning at the ceiling. After the first four weeks, I could still barely walk for four days afterwards, but I've gotten to the point where I can now walk normally the next day. I still get sore.

Two more books to add to the list!

Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffeneger - Strange and interesting. Not fabulous. Not too spooky.

A Year in Provence by Peter Mayle - VERY funny. I especially love the story about Turkish toilets and the discussion of toilet couture. I love this insight into French culture. To be perfectly honest, I hadn't the slightest interest in the French before: they've never seemed all that interested in anyone but themselves before, but for all their self-absorption and xenophobia, I can definitely appreciate a culture that revolves around food, wine, lovely landscape, and community. I'm still far from a Francophile, but I'm a bit more forgiving of their ethnocentrism :) (If you feel the need to chastise me for my shameless cultural generalizations, I ask of you: introduce me to a compassionate and tolerant - no, curious! - frenchman. Show me the error of my ways.)

Labyrinthine

It's hot outside, and I'm cranky. I spent the whole day researching travel insurance and visas, and the fine print drove me mad.

Travel insurance: to buy, or not to buy? The answer for Joshua and I and the trip forthcoming is "yes, please." With round trip plane tickets from Minneapolis to London and London to Delhi, as well as one way tickets from London to Dublin, Dublin to Seville, Alicante to London, and Delhi to Ladakh the flight insurance alone is worth it. We're covered if any of our flights are cancelled or delayed, or in cases of other personal emergencies. The insurance also covers all medical expenses up to 100,000 dollars and provides emergency transportation up to 250,000 dollars, just in case we break a leg deep in the Himalaya. If that weren't enough, we're also insured for baggage loss and/or theft up to 1,500 dollars. The price? 780 dollars for the two of us for six months. It's a lot of money, but even a spendthrift like me can appreciate the piece of mind it has to offer.

Just in case you're wondering, we bought our travel insurance through STA Travel, and although they specialize in coverage for teachers, students, or those under 25, they also offer insurance for adults. The added bonus of this coverage is that they will insure you as an independent traveler and they have no elevation stipulations. Other travel insurance agencies will require you to stay below 5,000 meters, or if you don't, to at least travel with a guide. STA Travel had no such restrictions.

Visas: a pain in the ass. Although you might think the advice here is, "don't wait until it's too late!" it could just as easily be, "time it perfectly." Are you ready? Because this is going to make your head spin: Joshua and I leave for London on June 24, but before our departure, we also have to pack up and leave New Orleans, ETD June 13. The date today is... Dear God, what is today's date? Something June. Or maybe May. Whatev. We've got less than a month. Once Joshua and I arrive in London, our tickets don't have us returning to the United States until December 21. In those six months, we plan to stay in Europe for the first three and then go to India and Nepal for the second three.

Ok. Now let's consider visas. The UK, France, and Spain are no problem. In Nepal, a 60 day travel visa is issued upon entry into the country with a minimum of paperwork, available at the airport and road borders. India? Sit down. This could take a while.

India offers a 6 Month Travel Visa for non-Indian citizens with no Indian origin. All travelers must apply and secure the Travel Visa before their arrival in India. Ok. No biggie. What else. The Travel Visa is valid 6 months from the date it's issued, not the date of arrival in the country. Hmmm. Ok. Oh! And just in case you're traveling internationally before you're arriving in India, let's say - I don't know - approximately six months prior to your estimated departure from India, make sure that you time things perfectly. You see, in order to apply and secure a Travel Visa you must send in your passport to a company called Travisa Outsourcing. They will make sure that they try to get your passport back to you within 7 to 9 business days upon their receipt of your request, but there are no guarantees.

In a nutshell: Joshua and I need to make sure that our 6 Month Travel Visa is not issued too early (before June 11th) because we'll run out of time at the end of our India trip; however, we also need to make sure that we have our passports back before we leave on June 24th...

Ok. No problem. There are five Indian consulates and partner Travisa Outsourcing offices in the U.S., we can take a quick 100 mile/ 2 hour detour to Chicago on our way home from New Orleans. What's that? You say Travisa Outsourcing only accepts Travel Visa applications from 9 AM to 11 AM Monday through Friday? We'll be there. We'll drive through the night if we have to. We'll get there before ya'll open. We'll sleep on your front doorstep. You say we have to wait to pick up our same day applications until 6 PM? Ok. We'll go to the Art Museum. We'll tramp down Miracle Mile. We'll take in the sights. Then we'll be back. We'll get the visa.

One. More. Little. Problem. No reentry within 2 months of departure, you say. Excuse me? That's right. If you leave India, you'd better be prepared to stay left for 2 whole months. However, my little sunbird, you may apply for a Permit to Reenter Within 2 Months. It is all very official, but I'm afraid India herself must decide if you are worthy of this permit and estimated processing time is... Indefinite. No worries, if you a have a copy of your travel itinerary and you have followed that itinerary exactly, the Immigration Officer at the Nepali-Indian border may let you by. If not...

For now, our solution is to secure our birth certificates, go get passport photos at Walgreens (10 - 15), make copies of our marriage license (some places in India won't allow us to share a room otherwise), and fill out the application for a 6 Month Travel Visa on the Travisa Outsourcing website. (Also note that you must know your entry date into India, but sources are divided as to whether or not you should buy your tickets before you apply for a visa. One site says that you should not buy a plane ticket because you might not get a visa, and another site says you should buy a ticket because you will not be issued a visa if you do not have an onward travel ticket. And? And you have to have the name of a reference in India? Don't know anyone in India? That's ok. Just list the name and address of your tour. No tour? Alright. What about the hotel where you'll be staying? You're planning on camping, you say? Hmmm... Do they have a name and address?) Once we've filled out the application for the travel visa, we can make an appointment to apply for the visa in person on June 14 (but only from 9 AM to 11 AM). Next, fill out a Permit to Reenter Within 2 Months. When we get to Travisa Outsourcing, submit both applications but prioritize the travel visa. Ask that the Permit to Reenter Within 2 Months is sent to our mailing address where it can then be forwarded to our family in England.

Sound confusing? Don't worry, I made it much more confusing before I realized that our parents have copies of our birth certificates. Otherwise, we were going to have to send off a formal request with a money order to Alamosa and St. Paul to get the rogue certified documents and then hope they arrived before we left on June 13th. There may have also been a few Indian Embassy calls - or should I say call-waiting - but it was all in good fun. Now, the fam is scanning copies of our birth certificates as we speak, and we'll be able to print them off an e-mail attachment tomorrow. Phew!