Pick Up Your Poop

Dog parks are a curious subculture, and a discussion of proper dog park etiquette is a worthy one. Although their gated fields may seem a lawless haven of unbridled humping and pooping, social engagement in one of these meadows is as careful a dance as any. A list of do’s and don’ts for the dog park virgin:

DO pick up your dog’s shit. Leaving a stinking pile to the elements is a social faux paw akin to farting loudly in public and not saying, “excuse me.”

DO engage in small talk. If your knowledge of breeds, behavior, and disposition is lacking, tell cute stories about your dog. Playing fetch with your dog is a polite alternative, but if your dog is adverse to such banal enterprise, you’re S.O.L.

DO use the plural pronoun, we, when unsure of another dog owner’s advances. It’s polite to let others down gently, and letting them know that you’re off the doggy mamma market with subtle word choice is tres bon.

DON’T comment upon dogs’ obsession with genitals. Yes, dogs lick each other who – whos and whatsits. Yes, dogs like nothing better than a good crotch sniff, and yes, your dog may even get peed on while trying to smell another dog’s giblets, but verbal acknowledgement of this behavior is just in poor form.

DON’T allow your dog to hump other dogs at will. A playful hip thrust is all in good fun, but relentless advances and promiscuity is just as tacky in the dog park as it is in the bar.

DON’T let Bruno eat Lassie’s feces. We all know that dogs love the digested deposits of others, but we’d prefer to pretend otherwise.

DON’T bring your dog to the park if she has a tendency to rip the throats of other dogs. Deft dog killers are neither appreciated nor wanted.

While the social chutes and ladders of the dog park may sound intimidating, your dog’s slobbery grin may all be worth it, and in a city where grass and open space is a hot commodity, a few awkward encounters seem a fair price.